Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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