Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she looked like the before picture.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
