I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize