I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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