Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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