Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
