and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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