I wish I could punch you in the face.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
