I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
