Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
