my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
