twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
its liver damage thursday
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
