I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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