Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
