you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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