WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Even my vagina gasped.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
