I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
