I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ketchup is God's man juice
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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