After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
