Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
