First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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