how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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