god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
