i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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