got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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