I didn't shave. On purpose
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My vagina is very pro this idea
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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