I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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