we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize