Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
