remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
