everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
