do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
