I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
