went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Couch. On fire.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
