I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
