Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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