I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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