you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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