I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
