U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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