did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
