im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
