Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize