sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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