I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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