Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
