so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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