I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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