I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
