i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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