Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
well you can't waste a boner
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
