Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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