if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
