when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
