I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
