Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just had sex bonerless
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
