Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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